I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
