After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize