What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
