I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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