Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize