i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
