does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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