tonight lets celebrate not being married
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
