I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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