You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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