wrigley field is MILF paradise
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
