I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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