That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
