I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
