You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
