Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
