oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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