How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
