I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize