I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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