Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
