uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
