Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
