i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
