I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just found puke in my bra..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
