I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
