Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize