I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
