I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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