Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
