I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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