strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
