Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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