Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
