official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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