we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
