3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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