I want to have your abortion
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
