I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
