im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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