fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
