This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
