nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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