hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
