am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
