her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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