We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
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