at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
