So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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