You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
