He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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