I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
