i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
