I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
