your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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