I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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