i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
