Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
