I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
