If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
