i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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