my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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