I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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